Lost Depression

For Two Weeks now..i have been trying to cry.
as foolish as it may souned crying does help.
Its like im
numb.
numb that my friends are basicaly fading fast from my busy life.
I have deliberatly stopped calling them.
because it just hurts to
fucking much.
Im so depressed..its like theres a black clowd hanging over my head. And every now and again i feel the tears come to the back of my eyes....and i bury my head..as a few numb tears run down my cheeks.
I cant cry..but i need to..because i know if i dont its going to happen again. smiling, smiling, smiling, pretending everythings ok...covering everything up with a smile..and a preppy giggle...like i have been doing for the past 4 years. But then..and it dosnt matter where i am ....i burst into tears...and i cant stop. Cant stop..the tears pour down ..and down..and down. and im so sfraid its going to happen when im being her.
the girl that im not.
Little Ms. Cheerful.
I can never frown ...without someone telling me to start smiling.
So now im so scared.
This entry basicaly blows it though.
It hurts so much...it hurts to laugh..hurts to cry..the few tears that come out..hurts to feel
anything.
Im so out of it. I could write
forever.
but i need to stop.