The Not So Model Figure

The Past couple of days I have been looking, often, at the xanga featured content...and many of the people who join it , are anorexic.
It seems like these girls are overcoming and suffocating the real body image.
that anything is beautiful.
and i absoltly cant stand it when my family critsises people whom are overweight ...i really cant seems to understand why people care that much.
By just looking at me ..only glancing. By the way my body looks cant u tell that i love to write...can you see that jogging gives me a sence of freedom, can you tell that I am a simple girl ..who dosnt aquire or need much of anything?
No,i didnt think so.
But beneath the skin..of witch everyone is beautiful ...there is a heart. and a soul.
like there is to all human beings.
though im sure some dont realize it.
When i see girls..that are obviously harming themselves...when i really take a concerned seconed to notice there frail bodies. I look in their eyes.
and i see fear.
They think they are making their bodies more bautiful but really whats happening is not only are they slowly killing not only themselves...but there minds..and sence. the deeper they let the disorder grip them...the closer they become to death.
And sometimes, ill admit...when im eating a really good meal..usually containing over 400 calories or more...i feel guilty..like..shouldnt i letthis trend take me to? and what if does? and i begin noticing things more..the skin here and there. but the difference between me and these girls or boys is that i can get myself out as easily as i in.
on thinking about it I can knowingly tell myself..you are beautiful for you. Just become you again. and the guilt fades and i realize that...it truely isnt worth it. Whats not worth it?
Misery.
So i take a deep breath and i rap my arms arouned my waste and close my eyes..and smile..kmowing..that this trend will not touch me ..as long as i have control..and stay strong.Then i pull out my journal..and
i write.

Quite Literaly Food For Thought...Along with my nightime complaints.

I noticed today...not to be vulgar..though i dont know how i can say this without sounding so...but i think alot better when im eating something really good. Now dont get me wrong but When ur..lets say...reading or writing..i think personaly...that i am alot more focused and interested..if there is a jolly rancher in my mouth. Not to say im constantly eating, just next time your eating while doing something , think, does it make the chore/and/or/hobbie or thing your doing more enjoyable?
I think so.
Well..last night J*** and i stayed up late...arguing .
yes, i argue with a nine year old.
BUT that is beside the point.
I asked a question that neither of us seemed to be able to answer.
" You dont do anything with me anymore", she said as she made a questionable face..witch usually makes me wanna punch someone...but at this particular moment in time made my heart melt.
I closed the bathroom door and turned on the water as i brushed my teeth, to avoid the statement.
Yet, i still had the answer.
I walked in and sat down..the star looked up at me...Tomb Cruise and Katie Holmes...
"Im going to ask you an honest serious question, What can we do together anymore."
There was silence for a couple of minits...and after awhile of arguing ...I went to bed..question un answered.
Later that night, of course, i was wakened by.
"Just i cant sleep...its..its creepy."
Me: "gdfjgfjnjfg, its three in the morning, J***, stillhalf asleep, i looked up to see my cousin coming down the bar railing., of the bunk bed.
Me, still annoyed that my sleep had been broken...managed to grunt out...:Make a pallate on the floor."
She threw down to blankets and a couple pillows..along with a red been bag...and after jarring my nerves some more with a few long squeeks and creeks from the ladder..me , meanwhile gritting my teeth. she whispered .
" Can I just sleep next to you. "
Meanily, yes, ill admit, i hissed,
"yes but if you hack or get and inch away from me ..youll be on that pallate".
She got on the tinist tip of the bed as i groaned and turned over.
"you dont have to be that far away , J***."
She scooted on the bed a little more to where her legs were actually on the bed.
"J***, do you know what REM sleep is, i asked ".
"No."
"its the most important part of sleep..the sleep you need the most..where your brain almost shuts down..your in such deep sleep."
"oh".
Please dont interupt my REM sleep again, i thought as i turned over and shut my eyes.


there wasnt really a meaning to all i just wrote..and as i warned you in the title..it is my rambiling. No cousin lesson learned.
Write more...when there is more.

Lost Depression

For Two Weeks now..i have been trying to cry.
as foolish as it may souned crying does help.
Its like im
numb.
numb that my friends are basicaly fading fast from my busy life.
I have deliberatly stopped calling them.
because it just hurts to
fucking much.
Im so depressed..its like theres a black clowd hanging over my head. And every now and again i feel the tears come to the back of my eyes....and i bury my head..as a few numb tears run down my cheeks.
I cant cry..but i need to..because i know if i dont its going to happen again. smiling, smiling, smiling, pretending everythings ok...covering everything up with a smile..and a preppy giggle...like i have been doing for the past 4 years. But then..and it dosnt matter where i am ....i burst into tears...and i cant stop. Cant stop..the tears pour down ..and down..and down. and im so sfraid its going to happen when im being her.
the girl that im not.
Little Ms. Cheerful.
I can never frown ...without someone telling me to start smiling.
So now im so scared.
This entry basicaly blows it though.
It hurts so much...it hurts to laugh..hurts to cry..the few tears that come out..hurts to feel
anything.
Im so out of it. I could write
forever.
but i need to stop.

My llama..GrRrR

Meet fergisson...My new llama:

Old Writings..Suprisingly good

I founed this on one of my old xanga's and was suprised at how well written it was. I really cared for him at the time. and , yes, i still think of him...but now i know we'll never be. Here It Is:



Have u noticed how one day life can bew soo utterly wonderful and the next it feels as if ur in hell...thats basicly how i feel. I mean when i was talking with Jamie from camp it felt as if my life was perfect...as if he protected my heart..protected me...we didn't even date but i know he liked me...sometimes i just know things. I kno that if we had dated then we would have had a really strong relationship. It tears my heart up that i might never see him again. i met him @ camp and i have no clue if hes there next year or even if hes here next week ( he waz @ camp the week after i left he told me) . I tried talking to my best friend but she didnt really seem to care...thanx sam... I miss Jamie so much and i fell so inlove with him..but weird anough my legs didn't turn to jelly when i saw him and i could actually remember my name. I felt as if i could talk to him about anything ( we even had a conversation about me falling out of a car...lol) . I could relate to him about anything. he had longish black curls...braces and an unsure smile. people called him goth..but i dont think that is the right word for him . I once asked him about about it ...saying if he wasn't goth than what was he? he replied with an answer that kept me up all night long thinking about. You are you and i am me. This one sentance made so much sence, and yet had so much wisdom and meaning to it. It is soo true to ...u r u and i am me every1 iz unique...that iz soo true. I want to see him so bad it hurts. and i might never see him again that hurts so bad. he also had a great sence of humor...he used to make me laugh..and sometimes when nothing was even funny. it interesting how love can do that. u feel sooo inlove that it seems as though everything that person says is important and wonderful. Thats how it felt with Jamie. And as i said b4 it seems as though life will never seem the same gain and that it will take you years to recover..and i will...i just hope ill see him again. Love is a weird thing..u definetly kno when ur inlove and when its just a little crush. I used to have an old crush...Sean...and i knew i liked him alot. One day after two years of thinking i loved him and talking bout him over and over again 2 my buds (thanx 4 listining guys!! mwahhh ) i told myself that i wasn't going to like him . Surly anough in awhile my feelings for him melted away. Then i knew...even though numbers of journals had his name written over and over again i didn't really care for him as i do jamie. I try and erase Jamier from my mind as i did Sean...but i didn't seem to work. Thats the problem with love...and thats why ppl have heart breaks..because they dont want to still care for the person..but something about that person just makes it impossble to forget. But once u do it feels like a breath of fresh air..like uve been set free. Sure...when u meet up again it is awkward..but u will eventually get over that to. Now ..i havnt exactley experienced with break up...but what im going through now lets me know somewhat of what its like..missing soemone and needing them...so badley. I miss Jamie..and a peice of me wants to run back to camp and throw my arms arouned him and never let go ...but that wouldn't be the right thing to do...that wouldnt be strong. Whatever happens in love u wether it be ectasy or a horble heartbreak or a small crush..or true love ...u absolutly have to be strong.

_- Summer Survey _-

Have you ____???____ this summer?
.:x given your self a mani & pedi? Yes, at the beginnig og summer
.:x had a party? Not the "throw a party" type i suppose
.:x spent the night with a friend? yes
.:x laughed until your stomach hurt? yes, when me and Hanna got the giggles
.:x gone on a vacation? yes to the beach and Tenneessee
.:x tanned? yes yes yes
.:x went to a camp? yuck.no.
.:x swam? yes! in the ocean and pool.
.:x went to the movies? yes. The Sisterhood of the Traveling pants
.:x gone shopping? Yes! to ambercrombie and fitch :0)
.:x are you even out of school? Yes
.:x gotten freakishly bored?
Not that much
Would you rather….
.:x go to Hawaii or go to the Bahamas? Bahamas
.:x go to the movies or go shopping? shopping shopping shopping!
.:x Spend the night with a friend or go to a party? spend the night with a friend
.:x Host a party or have a friend spend the night? have a friend spend the night...im not a party person
.:x Tan in a salon or lay out? lay out
.:x Watch TV or get online? get online
.:x Have you dream guy or have the ultimate trip to a tropical island with all your friends in the best suite in the hotel? tropical island with all my friends...how fun would that be. guys come and go but friends are forever, right?




-->YOUR FRiENDS

Which friend is the....
.: x craziest- Sam M.

.: x sweetest- Princess
.: x prettiest- Wilkins (lol)
.: x smartest-Theo
.: x girly- Samantha
.: x easiest to be grossed out- Kelly
.: x blondest- Marissa/ me
.: x honest- Samantha/ Britness
.: x trustworthy- Princess
.: x sporty- Hanna
.: x animal lover- Hanna
.: x computer genious- ermm...
.: x xanga nerd- me
.: x funniest- Kelly
.: x drama person- Sam M.
.: x band person-Corinne
.: x person that always gets their homework done- Theo, Princess
.: x flirtiest- Samantha/ Britness

About your friends and past friends
.: x which friend have you known the longest? Hanna, Wilkins
.: x which friend have you known the least? Princess, Kelly, Theo
.: x who was your first best friend? Hnana
.: x is he/she still you friend? yes
.: x which friend do you miss the most? everyone...tear...
.: x has one of your best friends ever moved away? yes
.: x who has the most classes with you? Sam M.
.: x pick one friend and tell one of your favorite memories-Sam M. remember Kim Possible...lol.
and samantha arnow Jewish Crib....hanna the video 4 class lol.

Which one of your buds is most likely to....
.: x be a teacher Hanna
.: x become a computer person Natalia
.: x become a stay at home mom Hanna
.: x live life on the wild side Samantha
.: x travel all over the world Hanna
.: x become famous Kelly
.: x fall in love before 20 Me
.: x become a sports star Hanna
.: x not go to college Sam M. ( sorry sam ...lol)
.: x get married twice Samantha
.: x have 4 kids Me
.: x become a telemarketer - Knowone
.: x be your best friend throughout your whole life Hanna
.: x be at home doing nothing but eating and watching tv Britness
.: x be a serious business person Kevin
.: x become someone with a job that helps people Princess
.: x end up on road rules or real world samanthana or me
.: x copy and paste this survey on their blog some people.


that was fun.

New Clothes and New Complaints

Yesterday J***, Helene, and I went to the Mall, and it turned into a giant diagnosisis of whatever disease we have. I was complaining about feeling naseous and dizzy , Helene was more concentrated on her heart problems...and i tried to reasure her that everything was going to be ok , and that ..No she wasnt going to drop like a fly at any givin moment. I dont think it really helps her though..because im sure i know what shes thinking..." She has never had the same experiences i Have." True, i hvant , but i understand where she would be coming from.

Along with General Hospital...at the mall i bought some pretty cute clothes. Two fitted shirts with hoods from ambercrombie...and a pair of 2 small pants from ambercrombie and fitch. Im going to return them sometime this week.

Later that night ( for fathers day) we went out to eat with Helene , J*** , and of course...my uncle Glenn. it was fun..but Helene ( and i admit..me to..) was afraid the waitress put something in the food because Helene had fired the waitress from a seceretary job a couple years before. It was quite literaly hilarious.

Today i have plans to hang at my grandmas..maybe go shopping. :). I havnt spent time with her in forever. All for now.

xoxo

My Usual Rambeling _-Quotes_-

I thought this was sweet*_-

28 ways to make a girl smile . . .


1 . Tell her she is beautiful, not hott, fine or sexy.
2 . Hold her hand at any moment even if it just for a second.
3 . Kiss her on the forehead.
4 . Leave her voice messages to wake up to.
5 . Always tell her you love her at any and all times.
6 . When she is upset hold her tight and tell her how much she means to you.
7 . Recognize the small things . . . they usally mean the most.
8 . Call her sweety. {not baby}
9 . Sing to her no matter how horrible your voice is.
10 . Pick her over all the other girls you hang out with.
11 . Write her notes. {she loves them}
12 . Introduce her to family and friends as your girlfriend.
13 . Play with her hair.
14 . Pick her up, tickle her and play-wrestle with her.
15 . Sit in the park and just talk to her.
16 . Tell her funny jokes, tell her stupid jokes, just tell her jokes.
17 . Throw pebbles at her window in the middle of the night just because you missed her.
18 . Let her fall asleep in your arms.
19 . Carve your names into a tree.
20 . If she's mad at you, kiss her.
21 . Give her piggyback rides.
22 . Bring her flower's just because.
23 . Treate her the same around your friends as you do when your alone.
24 . Look her in the eyes and smile.
25 . Let her take as many pictures of you as she wants.
26 . Slow dance with her, even if there isn't any music playing.
27 . Kiss her in the rain.
28 . If your in love with her . . . tell her.

WKMS

Shoutout 2 Hanna:
Girl its okay..you can do it! I know they are rude and obnoxious..but when i move we can take care of that! lol.

Im so excited to go 2 WKMS! i can start over fresh...and actually be myself. sure, its a really preppy school..even more so than me...but i can deal with that. not to mention i have some friends that go to the school such as Hanna, Jessie, Shyam, Jackie, and Caroline. I really love being the new kid..because im pretty good at it since i have been the new kid seven times. Hopefully this time the people wont be to ..out of the ordinary.

BTW: trip from beach..and beach trip..exceeded expectations.

hopefully getting a haircut ..and scrubbing my hair like mad to get this damn dye out.

Phew

I thought i had screwed over this template. *sigh* . yay! i didnt !

Its Time To Get It Out In The Open

Ok.
I know i have written alot today but this really needs to be said.
Im not saying names because this will remain private.
And im not scared to say how i feel anymore.
so here goes.
I like a guy ( lets call him Cody)
well "cody" told me he liked me and that he was thinking about going out with me ( at the time i asked him).
well i figured..after not talking for awhile...he got over it.
ill be honest.
Im didnt.
But i didnt expect him to:
FALL FOR MY BEST FRIEND! yea this may not seem like much..but she knew i liked him...sure i probably had no chance now that hes probably over it...but she could at least remember i liked him and wait before she
FLIRTED WITH HIM LIKE CRAZY!
*deep breaths*.
and , yes, she was hesitant to tell me at first..but i knew she was going to eventually.and she loved every seconed.
She told me at the pool party he looked really good.
and thay played a fun game together.
i have never seen this angry side of myself before!
AHGGHGHGGHGHG!
I wanna cry now because he likes her...and now i feel like a pathetic peaice of shit.
I hate him.
but its not like its his fault.
I suppose i shouldnt waste my time on this situation.
I will do my best to try and move on.

Reflecting

I wrote this yesterday after coming back from the beach..i was hit with inspriration:



Today i stretched out in the sand, my fingertips trying to pick out each grain, as if,itself,were a memory. And as i look up at the whole beach,the sun, a giant scoop of sorbet icecream, and realized , not all of the This sand would begin to cover all the memories at this one week at St. george's Island. And as i raise my head to the clowds, and shut my eyes , i felt the knot i had been holding in my stomach for two weeks tighten , and tears come to my eyes. This is the beginning of summer , a beach trip, yes,but so much more. I have been looking forward to this vacation for many weeks , for so many reasons. But a strong and annyingly so persistant reason keeps tugging at my heart. To forget. forget that i was leaving my friends, forget i was moving into a new home, forget the world was moving under my feet and i couldnt seem to walk with it. Now i know the truth, as i clutched a clump of grass, and swallowed. almost tears.
I came to this Beach to forget. And now that im leaving this paradise, this surreal place , back to reality, its time to let go. let go of friends that im losing by moving...and that would hurt to keep, let go of MLK, but most impotantly, let go of the place i live in now. It hurts. I hurt. But i am leaving this ocean. This wave dreamland.
But someday i will lean my head back, close my eyes,and think of the blue ocean water, hot sand, and clinging heat, and i will think
that summer.
The summer i said goodbye.



That is the utter and intermost truth. I wrote that ..and meant it. I still do.

Morning Run

had a greaaat time at the beach..splashed arouned and had fun. i woke up early so i could jog along the beach 4 an hour and watch the sunrise. its so beautiful here ...its paradise.

The Beach Paradise

im sitting here..my uncle..two cousins..my aunt in law..my grandma in law. my uncle is singing to his adrable baby boy. hes so sweet. he wears two year olds clothes...but hes only 7 months..hes so cute and has the sweetest eyes. Today i went to the shops..it was swealtering hot...i bought two tank tops and some shorts.

The waves are sOoO pretty here. i can see them from the balconey..froth collecting and blowing across the hot sand ...like an old christmas santa doll. The waves are warm..and i have been working on turning my skion a tan..golden color.If it dosnt work ill just use fake tanner.

i also got a fake henna tattoo. it is a flower and it stretches across my shoulders. it looks good but i cant get in the water..witch is unfortunate because im at the beach. Write when i can.

This is a sample post, with a link to InstaPundit.